I Loved Him, Harry!
by ChoCedric
Summary: Cedric's death left her shattered, and all she wants to know is how it happened, how he was taken from her. Did he suffer? Was he in pain? Did he scream for her? Maybe she and Harry could get through it together. Cho's pov of Feb 14, 1996 OOTP .


Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

I Loved Him, Harry!

By: ChoCedric

Cho Chang didn't know what on Earth she was doing as she waited for Harry in the entrance hall. Ever since the mistletoe kiss in December, she'd felt wrong, oh, so wrong. After all this time, she was still deeply in love with Cedric Diggory. She didn't know what had possessed her to kiss Harry that day, but she'd felt that they both needed the comfort and that was the only way to go about it.

Now, Harry had asked her out for Valentine's Day, and Cho felt so lonely -- so unbelievably sad, unloved, and lonely -- that she'd said yes. Today was the day for love, a day she was supposed to be sharing with her Cedric. But alas, her Cedric, her angel, was dead. Even eight months later, she felt that she could never fall in love with anyone like she had him. And why was she going on a date with Potter, of all people? Potter, who had been the one to take her love away from her? If it wasn't for his damned nobility, Cedric would still be alive today to hold her, to comfort her when she was sad, to love her. Every morning she woke up to pictures and images of lifeless gray eyes staring into the night sky. She wished she could see those eyes be warm again, have life in them. But she was haunted by his cold and still body every single day.

As she stood there beside the oak front doors, she saw Harry coming towards her. "Hi," she said as he stood next to her. She was breathless with nerves and apprehension. She knew this might be wrong and taking advantage of him, but she was going to ask him today how her soulmate had been brutally murdered. Had he suffered? Was he in pain? Did he yell for her, beg for her to save him? Did he beg for Harry to save him? In her heart she knew it was wrong to ask him, but she had been wondering this ever since the night he was taken from her.

"Hi," Harry answered. They stared into each other's eyes for a minute, and his were piercing and green. I wish they were warm and gray, she thought over and over again. "Er, shall we go, then?" Harry went on.

"Er, yes," Cho said. They joined the line of people being signed out by Filch, and the couple exchanged nervous smiles.

It was a breezy day, and they passed the Quidditch pitch (where she had seen his lifeless body), she saw Harry staring at Ron and Ginny who were skimming over the stands (where she had jumped out of to run to his side). "You really miss it, don't you?" said Cho as she tried to concentrate on Ron and Ginny rather than the haunting images blocking her thoughts.

"Yeah, I do," Harry replied.

"Remember the first time we played against each other, in the third year?" asked Cho, shifting her mind back to that game. They had been so young then, and Cho had been so innocent of the horrors and cruel heartbreak that this world could bring.

"Yeah," grinned Harry. "You kept blocking me."

"And Wood told you not to be a gentleman, and knock me off my broom if you had to," Cho sighed wistfully. "I heard he got taken on by Pride of Portree, is that right?"

"Nah, it was Puddlemere United, I saw him at the World Cup last year."

"Oh, I saw you there too, remember? We were on the same campsite. It was really good, wasn't it?"

"Yeah," said Harry. They continued to talk about Quidditch, a comfortable subject, for a while longer. Then, a group of Slytherin girls passed them, including Pansy Parkinson. "Potter and Chang!" she said nastily, causing all the other girls to giggle. "Urgh, Chang, I don't think much of your taste. At least Diggory was good-looking!" Cho felt a stab of pain in her heart at the mention of Cedric.

"So, where do you want to go?" Harry asked after some moments of silence. Cho hoped he didn't notice the look on her face.

"Oh ... I don't mind," shrugged Cho, feeling more and more like she wanted to get away from Harry. "Um ... shall we just have a look in the shops or something?" She couldn't help but remember last year. Her and Cedric had walked hand in hand, smiling and laughing, his gray eyes filled with love.

She and Harry approached Dervish and Banges, and a poster had been pinned to the wall. As they looked at it, Cho felt anger explode in her gut. She was looking at the faces of the ten recently escaped Death Eaters from Azkaban. "It's funny, isn't it?" she said in a low voice. "Remember when that Sirius Black escaped, and there were dementors all over Hogsmeade looking for him? And now ten Death Eaters are on the loose and there aren't dementors anywhere." In a way, she wished there were so that they could catch the Death Eaters, but in another way, she was glad there weren't. She knew that if she saw one now, it would reduce her to a crying mess. She didn't want to relive gazing at the silent Cedric, her silent Cedric, as she held his hand and begged for him to wake up, to stop staring into the sky, to stop lying there so, so still.

"Yeah," said Harry. "Yeah, it is weird."

It started to rain as they continued to walk. Like tears, Cho thought absently. "Um, do you want to get a coffee?" she asked. She didn't know why the heck she was doing this. She wanted to go to Madam Puddifoot's. Maybe if she went somewhere where she'd had a good time with Cedric, she could stop thinking about his blank and quiet face, eyes staring upward. Maybe it was also because she wanted to show Harry exactly what he had taken from her. Maybe she wanted to bring it all out in the open. She didn't exactly know why the hell she was doing this, but the question about coffee came from her lips before she could stop it.

"Yeah, all right," said Harry. "Where?"

"Oh, there's a really nice place just up here, haven't you ever been to Madam Puddifoot's?" she said in a falsely cheerful voice. She led him up a side road and into a tea shop. "Cute, isn't it?" she said, still in that false voice.

Harry was so dense he didn't even notice.

"Er, yeah," he said, but Cho could tell he was lying. What was wrong with him? Didn't he understand love at all? It was Valentine's Day, for God's sake! Was Cedric the only boy who could take pleasure in the decorations of hearts and things to do with love?

"Look, she's decorated it for Valentine's Day!" said Cho, looking at the cherubs which were throwing confetti.

They sat down at the table, and Cho could see Harry looking at the couples holding hands around the shop, just like her and...'stop thinking about him! she told herself angrily. But Harry was looking really uncomfortable, like he didn't want to be there. He didn't even look at her, he was so busy gawping at the other couples. Look at me, dammit! You look at the girl when you're on a date with her! Cho thought angrily.

"What can I get you, m'dears?" asked Madam Puddifoot as she came over to their table.

"Two coffees, please," Cho answered.

As time went on, the subject of Umbridge was mentioned. They spent a few minutes saying nasty things about her, but Cho felt more anger well up inside her as she saw that Harry still wasn't really looking at her. He kept staring at the ceiling and at the other couples. It all came to a head when he asked, "Er ... listen, do you want to come with me to the Three Broomsticks at lunchtime? I'm meeting Hermione Granger there."

Oh, Cho thought. Oh. So THAT is what he's preoccupied with. Thinking about Hermione Granger. Oh, I see how it is. She had never before thought that he and Hermione had anything going on besides friendship, but it was as if she could do no wrong in his eyes. Maybe the Prophet had it right last year and there WAS something going on between them. But she swore she'd seen Hermione looking at Ron in a certain way. But in that case, why was Harry mentioning her? Why was he thinking about her when he was on a date with Cho? She raised her eyebrows. "You're meeting Hermione Granger? Today?"

"Yeah. Well, she asked me to, so I thought I would. Do you want to come with me? She said it wouldn't matter if you did."

"Oh, well, that was nice of her." But Cho's voice was cold; she was having a hard time not letting her anger show. This date was turning out very, very badly. She glanced at Roger Davies, who was kissing his girlfriend. She was reminded so much of Cedric and how much in love they had been, and then she looked at Harry who had ripped him away from her. She knew she shouldn't blame him, how should he know that the cup was a Portkey? But the illogical part of her mind was speaking up now. She looked at Roger again, and decided to show Harry just what she was made of by being extremely tactless. "He asked me out, you know," she said. "A couple of weeks ago. Roger. I turned him down, though."

God, the boy was so stupid! He said nothing! Well, I'll see what this does, thought Cho furiously. Maybe he would actually care just a little if she said this. Now was the time to ask him how her boyfriend had died. "I came in here with Cedric last year," she said. "I've been meaning to ask you. Did Cedric ... did he m-m-mention me at all before he died?" Her voice was high-pitched, and she saw the lifeless gray eyes again. She felt tears swimming in her own eyes, and tried her damndest to will them away.

"Er, no," said Harry, "There--there wasn't time for him to say anything."

Well, at least he didn't suffer, Cho thought. But all the same, his life had been simply snuffed out of him like it was nothing. Like he was an insect that could just be stepped on.

"So," continued Harry, "Do you--do you get to see a lot of Quidditch in the holidays? You support the Tornados, right?"

HOW DARE HE! He changed the subject! He wasn't paying a lick of attention to her feelings. Was Quidditch all he bloody cared about? What a piece of shit! Cho thought. More tears came to her eyes, and she thought of Cedric again, who would have wiped them away. Her Cedric, who was kind, loving, supportive, her dream come true, everything she wanted and loved in a guy. Harry was thick, stupid, dense, and wasn't even going to try to comfort her. He had been there when Cedric had died, he had been there! And he didn't care how Cedric's bloody girlfriend felt about it! He was like the rest of them, expecting her to get over it, to heal, to be ready to go out with other boys. It wasn't as easy as that! She was expecting him to care about her at least a little, what was this, total indifference to her grief?

"Look," Harry continued dumbly, "let's not talk about Cedric right now. Let's talk about something else."

But I want to talk about him! Cho snarled inside her head. "I thought YOU'D u-understand!" she wailed. "I NEED to talk about it! Surely you n-need to talk about it t-too! I mean, you saw it happen, d-didn't you?"

"Well, I have talked about it," floundered Harry. "With Ron and Hermione, but ..."

So, Cho thought, almost jumping out of her seat. He talks to his friends about it, but he doesn't talk to the guy who was murdered's girlfriend about it! Oh, I see how you are, Harry Potter, I see how you are! I know you might be uncomfortable about it, but can't you show me a damned lick of respect? Remembering what he'd said about Hermione earlier, she shot out with, "Oh, you'll talk to Hermione Granger!" Through her tears, she saw couples staring at them. I hope they realize just how dumb Harry is, she thought viciously. I hope no one will want to go out with him after this. "But you won't talk to me! P-perhaps it would be best if we just ... just p-paid and you went and met up with Hermione G-Granger, like you obviously want to!"

"Cho?" Harry said weakly, utterly bewildered.

"Go on, leave!" Cho sobbed into her napkin. "I don't know why you asked me out in the first place if you're going to make arrangements to meet other girls right after me! How many are you meeting after Hermione?"

"It's not like that!" Harry said, laughing. LAUGHING, WHILE SHE WAS CRYING! WHAT AN ASSHOLE!

Cho sprang to her feet. Did he laugh when her love died? she thought nastily. Did he laugh when Cedric fell to the ground, his gray eyes staring into nothing? You're being stupid, a tiny part of her mind told her, but she paid it absolutely no heed, she was too angry. "I'll see you around, Harry," she yelled, and she wrenched open the door and headed out into the pouring rain.

Ten minutes later, she was still weeping, sitting on the grass where she had last seen her Cedric, his glazed eyes staring, staring, staring, staring, staring, staring, staring...'. "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?" she screamed into the sky. "I LOVED HIM, HARRY! I LOVED HIM, AND YOU TOOK HIM AWAY FROM ME! AND YOU WOULDN'T EVEN TELL ME HOW IT BLOODY HAPPENED! I HATE YOU!" Tears fell down her face in torrents, mixing with the rain which was also drenching her. A vicious thought came to her mind. She wished that for once, Harry could see the dead body of a loved one, see their eyes staring lifelessly into the air, and then he'd know what it was like! She wanted Cedric's arms to come around her, wanted his warm embrace to fill her up. But instead she had this emptiness, this feeling of being so unloved, and she knew it would stay with her for the rest of her life, as well as pictures of those empty, lifeless gray eyes.

She stayed out there for ages, and it wasn't until Marietta found her that she finally went in. But all the while, she was still sobbing.


End file.
